Pam's Blog (Life, Marriage & Parenting)

Woke up much earlier this morning so I decided to slowly ease back to exercising again 1 month plus post-surgery. It's so good to have a walk at the reservoir alone. I'm able to meditate and reflect on my life lately. Thankful to God for improving my ability to persevere and preserve a fragile relationship. My word of the year is heal. I learned that healing similar to grief, is not a linear process. It's amazing how a quiet walk surrounded by nature helps me to process my thoughts so much better. Also God reminded me about personal stewardship of my health. My recent diet (birthday week) has been recurringly unhealthy. What kind of fuel have I been putting into my body?

15th June 2023:  It's 2.22am and I am lying in the hospital bed. I am having an ectopic pregnancy (wherein my fertilised egg implants in my fallopian tube, not uterus so there is no chance of survival). I was sensitive to my body so I only managed to fully celebrate my long-awaited 2nd pregnancy for 2 days before I had some semblance of what was happening.  Momentarily I questioned God but after grieving somewhat satisfactorily, I was able to cling onto the characters of God and acknowledged that God allowed this to happen to me for a reason. I may not understand why, but He promised to go through this with me. During this season, I kept contemplating the story of Job - how he endured and it gave me a lot of strength. I always find it fascinating how he could say, "... Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?" More than that, my preacher reminded me how much it pains God to give and take away from me.  In summary, I had a dose of methotrexate administer...

It is always amazing meeting outliers. One who respectfully defies what ageing means in recent decades.  It is awesome to encounter a senior (almost twice my age) who is fitter than me. So inspiring! She embodies the example of good stewardship and living well in the last trimester of life 🧓🏻💛

Today I encountered a few situations wherein I felt blessed to be where I was. I have been actively attempting to heal from resentment towards my mother and I really feel God's hand in it. God is amazing and so good. He can do the impossible! I had the opportunity to speak Korean (though it was just a few phrases) to a Korean lady. When I was younger, I was less confident and though I really wanted to connect with a person of another race and/or foreigner I was scared. Today, I have more confidence. I hope I can learn more about the world through the various cultures and languages.

  This morning I woke up feeling slightly irritated. I have a mild sore throat (as a result of eating a piece of green chili with fish cake from the Yong Tau Fu stall yesterday) and had to change my plans for today. I am upset when I do not get to do my scheduled activities with Mendell. I shared with Nat my plan for the day which is mostly staying at home and I was frustrated that he could not understand the whole of my plan. I started to feel my body heating up (it is always a sign that I need to calm down) then I recalled a video where I learned that I can always "reset my day" and that I should not blame others for how I feel. So I manage to anchor that thought and gradually, I feel my body more at ease. Today's devotion from Our Daily Bread is indeed a message from God. Over the past few years, I have reconciled with friends and had mindset shifts and clarity on the problems in our friendships. When we chose to gather again, I realised that not only I have matured, s...

31st December 2022: If I have to describe my year using a colour, it will be grey. More specifically, it is Pantone - Cool Grey 11 C. To make this colour, you need more black than white. It's like my year if I examine it carefully. I was remarking to my helper yesterday how it has been a not so good year for me, and if God had not impressed upon me along the way, I might've been reproachful. Over my adult years, I have chosen to look pass negative events and focus mostly on positive ones. However, I have learnt that in order to grow, I need to be more attuned to my emotions. Throughout the year, I have been sick multiple times. I had the Covid and then long Covid, several bouts of flu and episodes of food poisoning. There were many occasions that I had to postpone/cancel plans. My dad became seriously ill and died. It was a good death nevertheless and I am thankful for his life and where he went. There were some opportunities lost and it made me rethink about how I should spend...

Four Thousand Weeks by Oliver Burkeman is one of the life manuals I need other than the bible. It is a book that addresses my anxiety and what I would call my hedonistic nature. As an Enneagram Type 7, I have a constant need to feel that I am using my time well.  When I was working, there was an incessant need to keep on going and I did not mind doing the most work and going the extra mile. Before switching to being a stay-at-home mum, I started to feel like I couldn’t take the same amount of workload while suffering from mum-guilt. Eventually, I made the decision to bid farewell to what we would now consider “work” and focus on family life. You may think that I stop having the anxiety that I used to encounter on a daily basis but no, I still do. I want to be doing things with my toddler son all the time – providing outdoor experiences, sensory play at home and following certain bedtime routines. At the same time, I want to remain fit, know what is happening around the world, conti...

爸爸，我记得您跟我分享了很多关于您人生的故事。 两个故事让我印象深刻：  (1) 无论贫富，我们终将离开这个世界。 保持谦虚，努力工作。  (2) 拥有强大的社交网络很重要。 尽可能提供帮助，并乐于接受帮助。 当我思考今天的颂词，我的脑海里浮现了很多美好的回忆…… 例如：  - 您煮的汤  - 您对鱼和烤肉菜肴的喜爱  - 我们和Happy一起去公园散步  - 小时候，我们全家去云顶高原游玩  - 我们在 2019 年 3 月到香港家庭旅行  - 每当您看到您的孙子恺恩的时候，您是多么的喜乐，满脸笑容  - 您对我的信任  - 与妈咪结婚 53 年的美好时光 我们非常想念您，但我们知道我们将在天堂团聚。 我们为您的生命感谢上帝，您将永远活在我们心中。 爸爸，您走了，我，妈咪，Nat和恺恩会继续走完世上的路。我们在天上见！

*I will first give the eulogy in English then in Mandarin. 我会先用英语，然后再用华语。* Thank you everyone for making time to attend this evening's service. We are immensely grateful for the love and words of comfort poured out during this time of bereavement. Special thanks to Aunty Shui Qing, Uncle Jia Bao, Pastor Chen, Pastor Mao and brothers & sisters-in-Christ from St Andrew's Community Chapel & Bedok Lutheran Church who has been journeying and praying with us. If you ask me who my dad is, he is a compassionate, resilient, kind and gentle person who loves animals. My dad was 1 of the first people who shared with me who Jesus is. He said, there was this very good man, who did not sin but died for everyone's sin. That was before my family and I became believers.  As a child, my dad used to travel quite frequently for work. I remember that during 1 of his trips, he bought a toddler size doll for me. We used to have a fish tank with various fish and I remember how I was so intr...

We had a blast with Mendell today! In fact it is every single day! As the day come to an end, I wonder how do I hold on the moments that have passed and not let it slip away... I wish I could go back to all the wonderful moments and relive them every now and then but what's gone will be gone. So I really treasure all the time I have with Mendell and Nat. Somehow as I was just reminiscing and going through the details of the day, I thought of how God would lovingly think of us, His children. I imagined that He would smile when we think of Him, laugh when we encounter something amusing and weep when we are deeply saddened. I thank God for all the emotions I am experiencing and pray that I will get to know Him better as I continue to journey on on this planet. Love, Pam

Today I went to volunteer at the women's shelter. When I was reaching, it rained rather heavily. As I do not have the habit of putting an umbrella in my bag, I thought I could purchase an umbrella at the minimart when I alighted.  Upon reaching the minimart, I searched for the umbrella. After finding the umbrella, I looked around at the cashier's counter for payment method. My heart sank when I saw, "Cash Only". Thinking that I do not have enough cash, I enquired about the price of the umbrella. When the cashier told me it was $6, I was surprised and thankful. I didn't know that a big umbrella would cost this cheap! I searched for $6 and was doubtful as I only had coins. Amazingly, I had coins that made up $6. I'm so grateful to God for watching over me. (I would be late if I had not enough cash!) I was a little anxious volunteering today because I am the only volunteer helping to care for the babies. When I knew that I was going to be the only one there the n...

So yesterday Nat said something that touched my heart.  He said he would rather fulfill my goal than his. I guess everybody has a different way to say "I love you". And I've seen and heard it vividly so many times - my Cesarean birth, my plan to stay home, my recent admissions to hospitals etc. I love you very much, Nat. Stating it here for the record.

I am not sure whether you are conscious about what you are thinking but I try to be present with my thoughts as much as I can.  Maintaining Social Bonds This morning I had many fleeting thoughts. When I have thoughts running through my mind, I'll think if there's anything that I can do to make that thought meaningful. Of course there are so many thoughts and it would be difficult for me to put every one of them into actions so I choose the ones that are recurring (usually these are the ones that matter). Some examples are reconciliating with former colleague whom I treasured but due to some office politics, we stopped talking. I'm glad every single time I chose to take initiative. I have managed to save several friendships and maintain relatively new ones by being authentic. I believe that if the relationship matters, the other party would respond accordingly. At the back of my head, I would imagine if I were to suddenly pass away, there would be very few words left unsaid....

29th June 2021: "When Breath Becomes Air" by Paul Kalanithi is the best book I have read hands down. I dare say that it's better than my old favourite by Oscar Wilde (though they're of different genre). It's the most irresistible page-turner simply because it is so authentic and I felt like I'm acquainted with Paul through the words he has written. I decided to read this book after recounting my experience with ruptured appendicitis and navigating within the public hospital systems. Furthermore, I recalled several people recommending this book and for some reason, this book has been sitting on the top 10 charts for a long time in various bookstores. Let me cut to the chase and share my thoughts about the book: (1) Compassionate - Paul struck me as someone who was profoundly intellectual. It was only when I first read about his thoughts and what he did during his visit to a home for people who had suffered severe brain injuries (as part of the curriculum during...

Mendell is 9 months old and I have decided to document short reflections of my motherhood journey in another blog: Pammie Schoolhouse . Please pop by every now and then. 😄 Health & Well-Being I know the photos looked like some slimming ad but I am just so glad about where I am right now in terms of my weight! So if you have read my "Our Son, Mendell" page, you would've known that I gained a total of 26kg during my pregnancy! (That's crazy... Mendell was born at 3.6kg. If you are keen on the breakdown of pregnancy weight gain, you can read up here ) Though I was healthy, I was worried that I could not lose all that weight. 9 months later now, I am only 2kg away from my pre-pregnancy weight. My hard work (living a healthy lifestyle) has paid off and I am really glad!  However, my abdomen is still flabby so I guess I have to do more core exercises after surgeon approved (I had appendicitis surgery a few weeks ago so I need to check in with surgeon on next appointmen...

On 6th June 2021, I went home feeling great! My church and close friends had sent over some "get well soon" fruit & snack baskets. My mother-in-law was at my place playing with my son and all seemed well. Bleeding We bedshare with my son so he always nurse and sleep. I got up to urinate at around 3am and was shocked to see blood on my underwear and urine. In addition, I was having the dull pain that I used to experience before the appendicitis surgery. I shared this information with Nat and he decided that we should proceed to the A&E for a checkup.  I could see his anxiousness as he had shared that he should've sent me to the hospital previously when I mentioned that I had recurring pain. I guess all of us go through life and learn things along the way. Sometimes we wished that we had done things differently and sometimes we blame and can't seem to forgive ourselves for the things we didn't do. I think the books that I have read brought me peace and I cou...

As the title of my entry suggests, I am going to talk about my encounter with appendicitis.  The Beginning On the morning of 28th May, I woke up with a  bad (I won't use severe because I don't think that was what I experienced) episode of gastric pain. I wasn't actually sure that it was gastric but having experienced it, that was the closest that I felt. I woke my helper up to make a simple breakfast for me but she made a heavy breakfast that consisted of toasts, egg and milo. I remember having a hard time trying to consume the food that I resorted to using utensils (yeah, I usually eat bread of any kind, including pizza with my hands).  After eating, I literally vomited everything that I consumed. For some people, vomiting is uncommon, for me though, it is quite common. I am unfortunately prone to feelings of nausea while having my menstruation, almost throughout my pregnancy and sometimes episodes of mild food poisoning. Hence, I was not overly concerned. I also defec...