Pam's Blog (Life, Marriage & Parenting)

i'm so tired lately... i can't seem to concentrate on anything... my boss said, "you disappoint me."... (then added, "don't think so much.") i feel like a zombie sauntering... i don't feel like a real human... everything seems vague and blur... ~ something's very wrong with me... my family, friends and dog seem the way they used to be... unchanged... it's bizarre... i'm me yet un-me.. i don't know me anymore... ~ i need God to help shake me to life... i feel dead... and i hope my life is shorter... it just seemed to lack meaning... not exactly though... since God is the reason why i'm here... to live for Him... yet me... is just so not me... i feel like i need... something/someone to fill the hole in my heart... i don't know... i'm just so not on planet earth... ~ been catching up with good old pals... i love you girls lots... yea, girls... i'm a girls' girl... as for guy friends... i want to specially thank mr. d....

1 of the reasons i'm back to blogging is because of someone... thanks for believing that i'm a good/decent person... when many might have thought otherwise... truth is, i'm not a nice person... i have countless, millions of bad intentions any moment... ~ days have passed... i said to myself, "have we lost touch?"... where'd you go... i think about you daily... it only confirms one thing... i have to acknowledge that i did like you a lot... it is just how high the intensity... if i expressed not... i would be deceiving myself... take care of yourself... because i did not know how to... ~ nowadays i just nose bleed out of the blue ... no, there weren't any sexy hunks... too heaty i guess... makes me feel like a real human though... sometimes a lot of things just seemed so unreal... you're awake but somehow things just shocked you so hard... you wished it was only a dream... a nightmare... a nightmare which felt so real... it was then when reality bit t...

eventually i decided i still need a place to displace my complicated thoughts... if you ask me how i feel... it could be numb ... the word " numb " definitely doesn't have a positive connotation... ~ about a month ago, i can't let go of something i held on to... subsequently i made a decision to help me ease the sad situation i was in... a month now, i realized the choice i made didn't help much... ~ so what's left of me... i'm torn... i was spoilt with choices i guess... but right now... i ponder and wonder if i'm still the LOSER ... don't get me wrong... i don't mind playing the l-o-s-e-r... because i already knew i would be... ~ i seriously think i have given what i possibly could... any more would be very unlikely of me... i believe i'm a good friend... but when it comes to kinship and brg... i'm just a very bad one... ~ i didn't want to let it go... you just remained stationary... how long do you reckon i endure... i felt real...