Pam's Blog (Life, Marriage & Parenting)

christmas is making me really nervy... i haven't had it properly planned for more than three-quarter of the day... i know as of 2230hrs of 25122006 would be the 1st christmas i ever spend with a someone special... however, what are some meaningful things i could do with friend(s) for the day... i've been meditating for many days... friends asked and made me all the more anxious... unable to provide a proper plan... this made me just wanna stay at home till 2130hrs... christmas without CHRIST is truly meaningless... am i gonna spend christmas without CHRIST this year? CHRIST is the reason for CHRISTmas... i haven't had any idea why this year is similar to the previous... emotions still unsettled... i kept recounting the past... whyyy? can i make things right? God please take control and make things seem right for You, whatever i'm experiencing... i don't wanna drift too far apart... i'm LOST... i want to be back on the oasis... i'm growing old... i don't ...

sitting on my five-wheeled desk chair with my bulging tummy, i've been idling away since the hour i got up from bed @ approximately 1300 hours. i have no plans, no dates and no motivation to do anything other than having my late lunch, listening to mostly oldies on class 95 and staring @ my computer screen, hoping that the person on my mind (POMM) would pop a hi through my msn messenger. i'm jaded. i wanted to recall my dream i had early this morning but i couldn't. the moment i realized it was a dream at my subconscious state, i wanted to write it down badly. however, my willpower was somehow not strong enough to stir my lethargic self from opening those lazy eyes of mine. i thought to myself, i haven't had bad dreams or nightmares in quite a while. i wanna record it. it must have been my unusual early sleeping time of 0530 hours. i know it was insane but i really couldn't get to sleep or my brain cells kept haunting me about having a conversation with the POMM. we...

it's christmas time... a joyous season... yet i feel hollow... i don't know exactly what i'll be doing... except who i'll be spending it with... love. a complex thing to define. perhaps it just takes time for me to realize whether he's for me. right now i should try with my bestest effort to treasure, appreciate and make it work. focus on the focal point... don't drift. and... don't be a bitch, pam. be nice.

i'm upset. i'm not getting my way. i don't know what to do. tell me i'm not gonna ruin it. say it isn't so.