*floating*

felt like i've been floating nowhere... finally complete reading Everything is illuminated by Jonathan Safran Foer. i watched the movie before reading the novel itself. thought i would have a better picture of the story but it was more complex and confusing. today's my off day and somehow i would rather work. it is not as though i have no one to hang out with but more of i don't know who to chill with. i woke up really late, around 1430 feeling vexed. i don't like not planning my day ahead. i wondered should i go shopping with friends, meet another for dinner, go for cell group meeting, go library alone and be engross reading or conveniently stay at home etc... i made my decision and sent an sms. and even so, i felt like it was not what i really wanna do but i guess i get an off on friday for reason(s). was suddenly reminded of me being in the pub with my colleagues. i wanted to leave early as i don't fancy singing ktv chinese songs which sounded alien to me, not in the mood for poker, tiger's not my mug of alcohol and chatting seemed much more energy consuming with noise all around. my manager persuaded me with lots of joking but i remained persistent. eventually, he said to me and others, "rang ta zhou ba." i felt like an unwilling hand has just set me free... why do i mention this? well, as i think back... i normally get my way. if i don't, i get frustrated. yes, people would try to stop me but when they stop trying to stop me, mostly abruptly, i would feel empty and a tinge of sorrow.

i don't usually say it but i feel lonely. i feel lonely because though i think my life is in order, i feel that i lack something. i know i'm starting to sound a little needy. i don't care. what i really want now is to be settled with my soul mate. plan our lives together, have children, be happy, that's it. i wanna be a woman with career and a part-time tai tai. i'm sounding so blunt.

was reminded of a debate in which the other party argued that women are only good for producing babies. i fought with my strong opinions. i won't deny that men are generally cleverer (which was proven by science) but there are so many things which female are more capable of. saying this i don't mean that men are not capable in certain areas but score lower.

met up with my best friend on 2 days this week. felt like i am usually the one who fails her. mooncake festival's coming. it's the occasion for she and i. yeah!

christmas is about 3 months away. i'm starting to think about the festival again. christmas is the season of the year for me. i have always look forward to it. it is THE season i wanna spend with my special someone. it has been 20 years now. i have NEVER spend it with a significant someone. i'm dying to spend it with a someone special. i wonder what has gotten into me. i'm so frank.

rounding up my entry, i'm not desperately looking for the special someone (hope he just spring out) but i guess this year's christmas would be similar to the past 20 years. you know what? it's not so bad after all... with family and friends around you. just a self-pitying me wishing for more. just a little more love. ;p