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*mind of sand and fog*

read Dan Brown's "angels and demons" while on the train to work...
apparently i was too engrossed in engaging myself in fantasy that i was 2 stations ahead of where i should've alighted...
it was not shocking because it happened before but in different situations...

~

work was as usual...
nothing occured out of the norm...
often i caught myself in between dozens of moments in the world of my own...
while the rest of the world carried on revolving around me...
my existence doesn't seem to cause anything to change...
just perhaps a very teeny weeny little bit more of O2 for other humans to breathe...
my colleague's level of work concentration was brilliant...
i felt useless...
i am not a very efficient worker...
i don't work fast...
namely a slow coach...
my engine has yet to start...
i'm shutting down...
simply blank...
where had all my energy gone to...
could it be to the brain muscles use to think about you...

~

the night before i went to swim a little...
alone...
i probably grade myself worse than a beginner...
floating and frequently gasping for air to keep alive...
i felt alright...
i observed how the 95% submerged bodies around me swam...
and attempted to move mine like theirs...
was helpful...
it felt actually more than ok...
sometimes i enjoy doing sports on my own...
jogging, basketball, cycling...
maybe i'm a loner...

~

went to the venue of my birthday celebration...
i like the place i was given...
was brief on the menu and pricing...
cool...
peeps, you all are going to love it...
paid my deposit...
felt secured upon doing so...

~

next stop, meet my friend who is going to officially enter army...
not much about him has changed...
quite a good kind of platonic friendship sailing still...
he knew me long enough to know calling me a princess was favourable...
not that princess always has a positive implication...
according to my understanding of my guy friends...
but well, princess still sounds delightful...
when it was time to get home...
he told me he did not want to pamper or 'serve' me...
even if i were his girl...
do i seem like i want a guy to pamper me...
cause quite a few has said that...

~

look deep within...
a side of me i don't always show...
i actually want to serve my man...
and it all comes out of love...
not because i want something out of him...
show me true love...
the man of my dreams...
and i'll give you mine...
i hope...
with what i can offer...

~

i've been waiting for some kind of answer...
all i want to say now is: if it doesn't bothers you, then let it be...
just let it be...
sometimes it's better having no answers at all...
it could be fair...
it could be unfair...
just how you see it...
all i know is i don't want to fight for anything, anymore...
i fought with a sword and got wounded...
now i fight with a dagger...
isn't it more likely that i could be injured...
might as well not fight...
till the reason for me to fight grows...

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